When Church Members Hurt Us

Our natural response when someone hurts us is to concentrate entirely on what the other person did. Scripture first forces us to examine ourselves. Jesus warned against focusing on the mote in another person’s eye while ignoring the beam in our own (Matthew 7:3–5). That does not mean every conflict is equally our fault, nor does it mean genuine wrongdoing should be excused. It means we should be willing to ask the Lord whether there is something in our own attitude or behavior that needs correcting.

Sometimes we discover that we misunderstood someone’s intentions. Other times we realize that we contributed to the conflict. And sometimes, after honestly examining ourselves, we find that we really were wronged. Even then, God is concerned with what happens in our heart afterward.

Bitterness can make another person’s sin continue hurting us long after the original event is over. Hebrews 12:15 warns about a ‘root of bitterness’ springing up and troubling us. We cannot always control what another person does, but with God’s help we can refuse to allow their actions to determine what our own heart becomes.

Jesus gave a remarkably practical instruction in Matthew 18:15: ‘Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone.’ That is very different from what often happens. We are tempted to tell our spouse, our friends, three other church members, and perhaps everyone except the person involved.

There are certainly situations requiring pastoral or other appropriate involvement, particularly when serious misconduct is involved. But many ordinary church conflicts could be handled much better if Christians simply spoke privately and graciously to one another.

Sometimes the conversation reveals a misunderstanding. Sometimes an apology follows. Sometimes it does not go well at all. Our responsibility is not to control the other person’s reaction. It is to conduct ourselves biblically.

Ephesians 4:31–32 tells believers to put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, evil speaking, and malice, and then says, ‘And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.’

Christian forgiveness is rooted in remembering how much God has forgiven us. We do not forgive because the offense did not matter. We forgive because we ourselves live every day by the mercy and grace of God.

That does not mean we have to pretend nothing happened. ‘Forgive and forget’ is often said with good intentions, but human beings do not simply erase painful memories. Forgiveness means we surrender personal vengeance and bitterness to God. It does not require us to call wrong right.

These ideas are closely connected, but they should not always be treated as identical. You can choose not to harbor bitterness toward someone even when that person refuses to acknowledge what happened. Full reconciliation normally involves both people. Trust may also need to be rebuilt over time.

If someone has repeatedly betrayed a confidence, forgiving that person does not mean you must immediately begin sharing private information with them again. If someone continually creates conflict, wisdom may require some distance. Forgiveness does not eliminate discernment.

This becomes especially important when the situation involves abuse, threats, criminal behavior, or serious misconduct. Biblical forgiveness should never be used to pressure someone into concealing wrongdoing or remaining in danger. Serious matters may need to involve church leadership or the proper civil authorities.

This is often the hardest part. We would like the person who hurt us to recognize what happened, apologize sincerely, and make everything right. Sometimes that happens. Sometimes it never does.

When it does not, we still have a decision to make about our own heart. Romans 12:18 says, ‘If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.’ The wording matters. Sometimes peace is not entirely within our control. We can only answer for the part that ‘lieth in’ us.

You may never receive the apology you believe you deserve. You may never hear the other person admit what happened. But you do not have to spend years carrying the weight of resentment while waiting for them to change. You can place the matter into God’s hands and continue faithfully following Christ.

One of the saddest results of church conflict occurs when someone’s failure becomes the reason another believer walks away from the Lord. A Christian disappoints us, so we stop attending church. A pastor handles something badly, so we stop trusting Scripture. Someone behaves hypocritically, so gradually our own relationship with God becomes cold.

But the person who hurt us is not Christ. Jesus has not changed because a Christian behaved badly. God’s Word has not become less true because someone failed to live according to it. Our faith was never supposed to rest upon another Christian’s perfection.

There may be circumstances where someone needs to leave a particular church and find another sound local church. That is very different from abandoning the local church altogether. Do not allow someone else’s failure to take something from your relationship with God that they had no right to take.

Forgiveness can take time. Hurt does not always disappear after one prayer or one conversation. Some wounds heal slowly, and occasionally memories return when we thought we had already dealt with them. When that happens, bring the matter back to the Lord rather than feeding the bitterness again.

Remember how patiently Christ has dealt with you. Remember what He has forgiven. Pray for wisdom about the relationship, deal honestly with anything that needs to be addressed, and then keep moving forward.

Another Christian may have genuinely failed you. You may have every reason to say that what happened was wrong. But that person does not get to determine what kind of Christian you become afterward.

Give the hurt to God. Guard your heart. Forgive as Christ has forgiven you. And keep following Him.